Thursday, 22 July 2010

One year and I still wish for the same thing

It's been a year now since our angels had passed away. Everyone has made their way through the pain one way or another, be it for real or just to cover up, it don't matter.
For me, no pain like this will heal entirely. It's been a year and I still wish for the same thing from day one: rewind to save you, fast-forward to see you.
I've learnt quite a bit over the year, listening to a little bit of other people's confessions about it all, noticing the changes going round then noticing the things that didn't really change at all and asking myself "when will you learn?"
Of course, I'm still the same brat as I am a year ago, the same crazy person, the same crybaby. So if you wanted to ask what I had actually learnt...well... it's hard to explain but in short, along the lines of, 勉強不會幸福的 and 知人口面不知心 -yeh I don't really know how I would explain it in english so I used chinese instead. =/ (I don't know, use google translate or something!)
Sometimes I wish I didn't learn things the hard way like this. I miss you two a lot. I may not talk about you anymore, I may not think about you each and everyday anymore, but I miss you. Sometimes, I avoid the talk and then other times I really want to talk about it. All mixed up really. =S
Grief comes in stages claims Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's On Death and Dying:

  1. Denial
  2. Anger
  3. Bargaining
  4. Depression
  5. Acceptance 
I don't know if all stages could be trusted to be existed in terms of grief, but it strangely it has helped me as a sort of a guide; guide to keep me right at times when need be. There is a few maybes with acceptance though. I don't know if acceptance can be done. I know they are gone, but I know I still argue that they shouldn't be and that good kids like them shouldn't be taken away. I still argue within me. And what about the pain? It's still there like a scar, very similar to the one on my left leg. It stays and form time to time it will hurt. I could hide it but it's still there underneath all the plasters. It's not easy sometimes keeping up with it. For example, nightmares, they are the things I can not control in my sleep. The dreams bothers me when I wake up stunned at what my mind ad just imagined, ashamed to even dreamt a scene like so. So rarely do I find myself waking up to a dream that puts a smile on my face. Now, I'm not complaining, simply just going over my end of the line - I'm sharing, so for the millionth time, I did not put a gun to your head for you to read this.

I've been hesitant over to write or not to write about this tonight, but as usual, I decided to, be it sensible or not, I merely had this slight hope that you two would read this. I'm not here to flick the pain switch back on for anyone, if I did, I'm sorry. =[
Hey, thanks for the lil smile when I last came visit =] I felt it. The warmth. I'm serious. 
One day I'll see it for real. Time just needs to move on and so the rest of us will move with it but memories, they stay because we just don't have a delete button and even if we do, I won't delete it even if they pain me, I won't.

My part is done. I will not note of it again. There isn't much of a need anymore. The rest stays in my mind and the memories goes in my heart. 
歲月不會倒流 時間不會等候 能活就去活得像戲裡面的一樣:精彩 而人生就是喜怒悲哀的 你想哭就不如大哭 因為我知道你最後一定會大笑 =] 

Darlings, do you see?

520 我愛你 1314 一生一世

對不起 but too late. 我後悔了

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